“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”