@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

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@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

@caseytduncan

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@NickFlora

The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

@DeanOkay

My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo