@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

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@KoJo_Sunshine

I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas

@ericsshadow

[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab]

I’ve never drank that much….

[wife looks at me in disgust]

ugh, ok I have.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

@pilau

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

@AndrewChamings

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@enclaire

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

@sofarrsogud

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

@mastrap84

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?