“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

You Might Also Like


I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas


[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab]

I’ve never drank that much….

[wife looks at me in disgust]

ugh, ok I have.


Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.


me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts


[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason


Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.


I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.


FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor


God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?