“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.


My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.


Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”


funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one


Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo