“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Stop.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Y’all know who you are.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same