I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.