I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.