“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.