Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
You Might Also Like
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.