I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
January has been Januweary
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.