I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”


[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.


During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.


GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what


[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!


I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.


One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.


Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.


the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all