Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
me refusing to leave twitter