You Might Also Like

@iamporgy

Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school

Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university

@ddsmidt

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

@Vice_Queen

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

@squirrel74wkgn

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

@3sunzzz

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

@JohnLyonTweets

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

@MooseAllain

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

@ArfMeasures

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]