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Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school
Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]