i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Milk Cube
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
my dog when i have a friend over
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.