Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.