I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.


If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.


*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*


I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.


Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate


Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.


the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care


All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂


Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.