I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

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🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??


ME: Ah. Carry on.


“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office


When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”


Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?


I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose


Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.




Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins


Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.


cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god