Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”