I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly