I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave