I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Yes
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
this is funnier than any friends episode
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.