I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Check out the legs on this baby
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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