i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My life coach traded me.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.