I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it


ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.


Me: *crawls in window*

Him: What are you doing?!

Me: You’re my boyfriend now?

Him: I’m calling the cops

Me: But you retweeted me??


“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die


me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment


some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil


Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.


My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.