I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.


[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*


“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.


Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE


I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.


Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid


Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?


*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.


When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.