@Soupinatrix

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

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@AtticusFinch79

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

@SSDated

Me: *crawls in window*

Him: What are you doing?!

Me: You’re my boyfriend now?

Him: I’m calling the cops

Me: But you retweeted me??

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.