
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.