I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
peak technology
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
gm
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.