I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.

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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls


I remember when I was like “I can’t believe we’ve been in quarantine for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!” That was 7 years ago.


Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*


Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?


If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.


Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.


“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark