@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

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@funnyordie

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

@better_off_dad

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

@JoePetroske

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@wickedsuga

Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.

@KeetPotato

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

@Rica_Bee

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here