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@UnFitz: I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
@noog: *invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
@bonniemcfarlane: My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
@murrman5: wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
@whimsik_l: I see it's garbage day on twitter again.
@PatSandora: NYCer: OMG you’re in the city?!
NYCer: I’d love to see you! Let me know if you end up on my exact block. I will not travel.