@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

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@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@ClichedOut

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@UnFitz

Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?

@chuuew

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

@I_Bl33d_Purple

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

@paminski

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

@3sunzzz

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?