i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You Might Also Like
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?
Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?