I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years


A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.


Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?



DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]


When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.


Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778


[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”


Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?