I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.