Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[waking up after car crash]
Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I am yelling
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how