@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

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@lmegordon

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

@MattTheBrand

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how