I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache