Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.