@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

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@Dawn_M_

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

@ItsDanSheehan

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

@BruceForce

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

@peprally

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.