I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!