I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.