I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE