I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.