I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.