I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.