I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁