I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

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Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore


ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy


I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”


My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.


Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.


This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]


THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree


In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz


[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.


Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.