Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Monday Lisa

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

What number SPF blocks people?

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.