I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.