I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?