I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

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My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.


“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.


[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem


Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.


“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.


[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*


People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food


If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me


GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds


So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.