I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
This January has 47 Mondays
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator