My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.
“You have a very large package downstairs.”
I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.