I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”