I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.