I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested

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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.


son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months


If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there


I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE


As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.


ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure


I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag