[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
sliding into dms like
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.