For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.