@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

You Might Also Like

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@linanneblack

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@withanewname

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

@caitiedelaney

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

@shellenger

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

@daemonic3

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600