Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*robs craft store with hot glue gun*