I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.


Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”


Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked


Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”


“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together


I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos


me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what


There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.


wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600