@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

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@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

@LipLush1

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

@ReeseButCallMeV

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

@iwearaonesie

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

@lmegordon

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

@hazelmotes1

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.