I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I could NOT have put it better myself.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air