I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.