I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
When you’ve simply given up.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it