I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*