I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
You Might Also Like
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
HERE’S MARKY
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Good morning!
#dnd #ttrpg
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN