I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”

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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”


No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.


Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.


I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.


accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”



Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?


I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside


Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”