@SaraESpivey

I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”

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@FrogAvalanche

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

@junejuly12

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@madd_sarah

I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done

@schumoo

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

@fart

accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”

@ghostkrogh

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

@bambimygirl

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

@RudeComedian

Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside

@hunz74

Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”