[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”
I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”
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I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: ok, cool.
Me: Your luggage is outside
Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”