I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀