I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA