I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”


A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.


A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police


My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you