I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
seems like a niche market
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!