I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
life finds a way
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.