“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of