“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.


interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed


Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.


“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.


I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.


me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that


Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related