I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?
Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*Sneaks into men’s toilets*
I HEAR THERE’S CAKE IN HERE
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”