I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”